I just made out with a guy for $7.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Randomize
