the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
