These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
