You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
