i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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