Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
