If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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