Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
