I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
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Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
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And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
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