So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
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