i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
