I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
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