Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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