How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Randomize
