started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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