If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
