Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Randomize
