we have officially lost it.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
