I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
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