Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
