New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
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