i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
