Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
