I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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