I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
