Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
