you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
