True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
