anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
