3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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