dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Randomize
