My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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