I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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