OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
