just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
