a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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