I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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