he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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