Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
