Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
