it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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