I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
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All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
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The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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