dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
