she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
