sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
