Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
