Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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