hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
My underwear smells like fireworks.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
the liver wants what the liver wants
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Randomize
