I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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