you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
