Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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