I'd wear matching sweaters with you
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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