ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
