I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
