I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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